Saturday, January 10, 2015

Let's Say I Died: Home-written Obituary

Let's say I died. 

What would be remembered about me? What would be said about me? I'd like to think that they're will be plenty of good things remembered, and plenty of honest mistakes to be learned from. 

Honestly, I didn't want to think about my "real" obituary for whenever I really die. It'll be too sappy, and most likely extra cheesy (knowing my goofy family, that's for certain).  Instead, I took the liberty of writing my own obituary, from a more....impersonal and amusing point of view. Then you don't have to worry about writing some sappy story. You know, just in case I die. 
NOTE: It's fake.
A special thanks to everyone that helped, in any way, in obituary.

Alex “the Great and Terrible” Williams had many passions.

Passions that permitted blood to pump through her arterial passages. Passions that drove her more than Kevin Harvick could drive his Ford EcoBoost in the NASCAR championships. They made everything ordinary burst into sudden flames, breathing new life like dying coals receiving small puffs of oxygen from a paper plate.

She was born on April 1, 1993, in Wet, Washington. She was the firstborn to Christopher Johnson born in Funky, Florida and Lisa Johnson born in Away, Alaska who both died in 2040 on a fly fishing trip on the eastern side of Washington.
Alex died on August 18, 2065, after living an eccentric life till the solid age of 72, but her trademark quirks and fiery personality shall not be forgotten.

Amiably known to many as Alex the Great and Terrible, she was a journalist by profession, an artist and an adventurer. She filled her time with everything imaginable, and a pleather of things unlikely plausible. Although she could be found reading a book or playing the piano, she would more likely be found on a hike or a bike up a mountain, or kayaking down a river to find the perfect fishing spot. When she wasn’t on a personal adventure, she was spending time absorbing the other two things that brought her joy: sports and her family.

After graduation from Brigham Young University with degrees in Communications and Art, Alex went on to invoke joy to sports fans as a reporter for several sports entities, later becoming an Editor for the ESPN magazine.

Which is how she was able to happily marry Sonnny Bill Williams from the New Zealand rugby team and adopt six children, all from different countries but not All Blacks. Although her daughter Leilani Herlin (55), and her five sons Oliver Williams (52), Augustin Williams (46), Nigel Williams (45), and Agatha Michelson (42) were adopted, all referred to Alex as ‘dearest mother.’

Her death devastated friends and family from around the world. She was found in her house covered in paint with Christmas music navigating its way through Cars paraphernalia. Her death made the headline of the Wet Washington Post that read: “Artist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.” As an activist of world peace through clever puns, the title seemed fitting.

The death was surprising after a struggle with skin cancer for the last four years during which Alex had been effected by cancer on her foot, which quickly spread to her right leg. The stroke was completely unexpected, but so was the news for the release of Cars 3. After hearing the announcement, she had a stroke in the midst of a very colorful art project.

An extraordinary death, for particular individual.

Alex really was particular about some things. She despised the sound of people chewing their food, hated people named Keith and the smell of tuna. But what upset her most was the improper use of affect and effect. That, and an unclean house.

What she lacked in grace, she compensated for with determination, charm and spunk. Alex had a few unwavering convictions: The movie Cars could make anyone smile on any given day; ranch dressing does not belong on a salad and less on a pizza; and the oxford common most definitely was one of the most annoying things to ever have been regrettably invented.

Admittedly, the blood that pumped through her vitals have ceased to function, but not because of lost passions. Her passions live. Her memories breathe, even without the use of a paper plate. Her life will be forever cherished.

The viewing service will be held at the Finally-Over Funeral Home at 9 p.m. on Saturday, located next to Mt. Reiner at 2234 Wildlife Road. The actual Funeral Service will be held on 9 p.m Saturday at the Crafted Commentary located next to Mt. Reiner at 2234 Wildlife Road. Only those dressed in attire from the eighties will be admitted to the funeral, as there will be an epic dance party following the service. The dance party will be held in honor of Alex the Great and Terrible, since she is most likely dancing barefoot on a grassy field to the water of the broken sprinklers.

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